Healing From An Affair

Three things I’ve learned from helping couples heal from an affair. 

1) Details can help quiet the mind. The person(s) cheated on often want to know details so they don’t have to be subjected to the fantasies in their imagination about what happened. The cheated on have the right to ask for any details about the affair they want BUT I caution you can never un-know what you know so be sure before you ask. The person who cheated needs to be willing to answer these questions even though it won’t be easy. THAT SAID, I encourage you to stay away from “why” questions since they have a tendency to collapse the reasons of the affair into “what did I do wrong?”. Leave “why” questions for therapy in the beginning.

2) Don’t stop talking about the affair too soon. The pattern I often see is, in the beginning the one who cheated is remorseful (this fact is usually impacted by whether they were caught or revealed the affair themselves). However because it takes at least a year and often much longer of active working on the relationship for the person cheated on to heal what happens is the person who cheated gets fatigued by shame. This is especially true if they don’t work to understand the affair. They feel terrible that they hurt their partner and struggle to stay present with their pain. So they start saying things like, “I just want to move one” “ Let’s look forward, we can’t change the past”. They need help managing the pain of seeing how hurtful their actions were.

3) Affairs have unconscious and complicated meanings. Often people’s vulnerable feelings and desires that they pushed out of their awareness early on and that were no longer getting met in the marriage implicitly and naturally are what fuel an affair. It can be about the sex but it’s definitely not always about the sex. It can feel alarming, threatening and extremely risky for the person who cheated to get in touch with the healthy desires that were getting met in the affair. The pressure is to denounce the thing whole sale without understanding it’s pieces. Or, sometimes, if the person feels bitter about what they haven’t gotten but wanted in the relationship it can feel enraging to risk giving up the affair and talk about their unmet desires in hopes they can be understood and met at least in part.


Affairs are tricky to heal from because there’s the pain of the betrayal, the loss of the supportive affair partner and the relationship that had problems to begin with. The first year is usually hellish with some pain lifting after the first anniversary of the affair passes.  

How Therapy Works: working with the unconscious

When particular emotions and needs are not responded to in a supportive enough way (this could happen from lots of reasons; whether that’s: abuse, chronic lack of acknowledgement, chronic criticalness or dismissiveness, strong limits without acknowledgment and validation of a person’s emotions and needs, neglect, etc.) they go underground. Meaning, they become something we try not to feel or show. The current understanding of this is also that whatever developmental level our needs were at when they went underground is the level they stay at while dormant. Meaning, if they get a chance to come out again later in life they are usually messy in the beginning because they are still at the level they were when we were younger, other parts of us matured but not that part because it didn’t get a chance to be inside of relationships out right. 

How Therapy Works: Connection

Connection is a concept put forth by Dr. Richard Geist. It is the idea that when a person feels connected with it allows them to feel more real, whole and alive and that over time this causes positive emotional growth and change. Connection has three parts:

1. Empathy: when the therapist puts themselves in the patients shoes consistently over the course of a treatment they allow the patient to feel deeply understood especially in moments and parts of themselves where they normal don't feel understood (e.g. like in conflict). This allows the patient to slowly connect to their unconscious thoughts and desires and reveal to themselves and their therapist.

2. Unmet needs being noticed and responded to: over time as unconscious feelings/desires/needs are noticed, validated and responded to parts of the personality that are stuck emotionally become unstuck and begin to grow again.

3. Authenticity: Even though the therapist is striving to respond from within the patient's world they are still trying to do so authentically. How they respond, the words they use, how they communicate all display the therapist's personal subjectivity. This is important because it allows for an authentic relationship to build. So that even though the relationship is focused on the patient, the patient still comes to know the therapist at some level; making it a real human relationship.

Attachment Theory and Marriage

What often happens is people get together using insecure attachment styles because that’s how they learned they could get connection initially. And it feels like connection for awhile until one or both people manage to get in touch with wanting something more genuine (life shifts seem to cause this; like getting married, having children or career shifts, etc.). When that happens it often feels like the rules change and both partners are left frustrated and confused of what to do. Let’s take just one possible combination for example: 

What is a psychoanalytic treatment?

Our current mental health culture is a skewed too far to the side of the medical model. Meaning, it reduces mental health to science alone (i.e. we have a brain but no mind or heart). Mental health is more the just the sum of its parts. Helping people get better requires science, yes, absolutely. Evidenced based research and neuroscience greatly informs any clinician who takes their job seriously. That said, helping people get better also requires art. Being with people in a way that feels healing, that feels human and not just like the zeros and ones of care requires an art form of “being with”. Psychoanalysis and psychotherapy holds the dialectic between science and art form more than any other theory I know. Today probably the most common way of doing supportive psychotherapy is through utilizing attachment theory. Many who do this do not readily recognize or identify with being psychoanalytic but guess what? Attachment theory came from a psychoanalyst (John Bowlby was a card carrying member of the London Psychoanalytic Society to the day he died)! In psychotherapy there is a balance; science informs the frame within which we work but the humanities (art, music, film, comedy, poetry, dance, theology, philosophy, drama, rhetoric, etc.) inform us about what it means to be human and how to be human with others.

Why what you struggle with may need to be the last thing to go.

Affect or self regulation is a slow thing to master and requires committed and relentlessly understanding relationships (like a psychotherapeutic relationship) because we will never unconsciously trust ourselves to another without that and therefore won't move from self protection to relational protection (the thing we need to gain self regulating capacity). We need relationships that understand the health inside our problematic behaviors and respond to that over the problematic behavior chiefly. We need less focus on behaving right and more on what behavior means.

Compensatory actions (like anger, shutting down, feeling numb, addictions, anxiety, etc.) often are the last thing to go because the "self" needs to grow enough to be ready to replace the compensatory thing. We need to keep compensations in place until we have the replacement ready.

Chronic Guilt

Evan was a hard worker. Ever since he was young Evan never settled for less than excellence in whatever he did.  When he did not feel he could be  excellent in something he would often lose interest in it or disengage. This strategy for life served Evan very well in many respects. After all, people respond well in our society to excellence. However, Evan's emotional state was a fragile one. He was terrified of feeling he was underperforming but also simultaneously over burdened. He struggled to allow himself to relax. In fact it seemed the only way he could feel good was by achieving something or doing something or by totally numbing out (an act that left his wife and friends feeling ignored).

Leading From Anxiety

Brian was a good manager, his people liked him, felt supported by him and trusted him in times of conflict. Brian gave everything to his employees; always willing to take calls at any time, going above and beyond with praise and incentives and rewards. On the flip side though, Brian constantly felt like he had to be, "on". A racing pace or a totally off pace were the only modes he knew. At times Brian could even feel resentful towards his team, like they didn't appreciate him enough and could take him for granted. He especially hated it when he felt someone on his team disappointed or saw them under performing and he knew he'd have to confront them. In normal language Brian would say he was a "pleaser" and that was what kept him always scanning people and places to make sure others were okay. This, he said, helped him feel good about himself. Brian has a strategy for relating that would fall in the anxious/pre-occupied attachment style. He leads from a place of serving others to the detriment of his own independence and needs. 

Why is school suddenly so hard!?

Normally Jill didn’t have any problems with her grades’. Lately though, something had shifted and Jill was struggling. In talking to her, one on one, it was easy enough to discover that Jill felt the normal pressures of adolescence (grades, extra curricular activities, friends, parents, etc.) and that these pressures had grown significantly with her junior year. What seemed a little less obvious were the themes that subtly showed up in Jill’s sharing. Themes of insecurity and not feeling understood quietly wove through much of her stories. Now if you’ve ever been a teenager or been around one for five minutes you’ll recognize that these themes feel almost universal to being a teen. Likewise, people like Dr. Dan Siegel would tell us that these feelings are increased in adolescence while the brain is going through a major overhaul. So the themes were not odd or even problematic. What did seem to be problematic was how Jill felt when she was in conversation with her parents about everything.

Choosing a Mental Health Professional

How do you choose a mental health professional? There are so many names, waiting lists, initials and varying approaches. Especially without a referral choosing a mental health professional can feel like a shot in the dark at best! While this post cannot choose someone for you hopefully it can atlas inform you a little more on what you're looking at. Listed in parenthesis are some common initials that people list to signify their education and licensure.

Why Good Behavior is the Wrong Goal for Parenting

We all want our kids to be happy and healthy but what does this mean? A seductive answer is, our kids are well behaved. I say seductive because well behaved kids are much easier and more pleasant to be with so we often want to say that good behavior is the barometer for good parenting. While controlled behavior can be a sign of strong psychological health in a child it can also be a mask for a child who is needing help on the inside but has gotten the message that their feelings are not welcomed (spoiler alert: this does not equal happy and healthy). 

Why Kids Push Our Buttons & How to Change That

It can actually feel terrible to have our buttons pushed by our kids. We can end saying and doing things we never intended to including: screaming, rashly reacting, walking out dramatically, crying, etc. Kids seem to have a knack for needing us in the places we are least equipped to give. This is no surprise. Kids are really hard (especially sensitive and strong willed ones!) and adults often get overwhelmed by their behavior. When this happens they react in ways to shut down the behavior in an effort to stop the overwhelming. While this helps the parent rebalance (an important element) it also shuts down important and developmentally appropriate needs that are being communicated in really difficult ways. Then when that child grows up and has children of their own the pattern often repeats.

Two quick suggestions for thought:

Emotions Revealed: Taming Your Triggers II

This is a process I've developed based on Ekman's and other's research on emotions. Taming triggers begins with reflecting on triggered moments.

Step One: What triggered you?  

It's important to reflect on the particular moment of flipping your lid and losing control. What pushed you over the edge? Was it a look, a tone, a movement, a phrase, something physical like getting pushed or touched. Or was it an environment, a situation that you didn't expect.

Emotions Revealed: Taming Your Triggers I

Ekman's research shows there are six factors in play when it comes to how strong a trigger is and consequently how hard it will be to tame or reduce it.  Triggers are these moments in life where we experience an echo from a past emotionally charged experience (that has not been processed fully) in a present day situation and our brains react as if what is happening right now is the same as back then. It is what happens when we blow up suddenly. Ekman also mentions something called a refractory time. This is the amount of time it takes us to cool off and come back to our rational brain. 

Emotions Revealed: Themes & Triggers


In his book, "Emotions Revealed", Paul Ekman talks about unlearned emotions, learned variations and triggers.

Unlearned Emotional Themes: These are the themes we come hardwired to react a certain way to (like when we experience feeling block or thwarted from our goals we are hardwired to become angry and aggressive in order to be able to have a better chance at achieving our goals). Ekman proposes that these themes are products of our evolution (i.e. They've stuck around because they've helped us survive and thrive. Like if we needed to get the limited food source there was and we were being beaten out by another person getting angry would help us have a better chance at getting to the food first and therefore surviving). Ekman has observed seven groups of themes across all cultures (meaning there are seven groups of emotional themes that everyone is hardwired to percieve and react to with set emotions). Each group is connected to a primary emotion: sad/anguish, disgust/contempt, excitement/joy/other positive feelings, anger, surprise/fear.  

Learned Variations: These are the emotional stories we've developed from our own personal experiences. They are linked to the universal themes but are nuanced by our subjective take on life. So, a person who experienced cruel teasing from their father growing up might store those experiences as, "I'm being bullied because I'm not worth much". This could be connected to several unlearned themes (themes of fear and anger and sad/anguish) but most readily it's experienced as the "I'm being mistreated because I'm not worth much" story or sensation.  

Triggers : These are moments that have enough of an echo in them from an emotional theme (un-learned or learned) that it activates our automatic reaction to that theme. Ekman gives the example of a person who believes they are worthless (a learned theme) and because of this they are hyper vigilant to others abandoning them (a theme of sadness/anguish). Because of this they snap into sadness/anguish at the slightest sign of rejection from lovers.  

Ekman says there are six factors to how strong a trigger will be (and consequently how hard it will be to soften it). That will be the next post.  Then in the final post on triggers we will move onto an exercise of mine based on this and other research to help dampen and control triggers.


Emotions Revealed: The Nine Causes Of Emotion

Continuing the series about Paul Ekman's book, "Emotions Revealed" this post will highlight his research conclusions of the nine ways emotions get turned on in a human. Ekman points out that most of the time we can't control or predict becoming emotional but that one of these nine are most likely to leave us feeling regret.  

Your fight is about sex...and it's NOT about sex.

Often a couple will come in and talk about a fight they're having. The problem usually is, they are talking about the issue but they're also not talking about the issue. Our fights, I mean our repetitive deeply felt fights, are about more than what's one the surface (unloading the dishwasher, helping with the kids, making plans, cleaning the house, sex, in-laws, etc.). The surface issues are really houses for the core issues. They do matter, otherwise you wouldn't be triggered by them, however just talking about the surface issues will never solve the problem.  

Why do I do what I do?: Attachment Styles Explained

All of these styles are not good or bad, they are amoral and simply the ways that our young minds devised was the best way to get our needs met in our initial environments.  Problem is, these schemas (attachment theory calls them, Inner Working Models), become outdated as we grow up and encounter new environments but because we operate out of them unconsciously we continue to react to our world as if it was the same as the one we grew up in (an act that tends to turn our current environments into our initial ones). 

How trauma keeps our relationships crappy

Trauma is a word that probably gets thrown around too much. When that happens words often lose their accuracy and impact. So what is trauma and what does it have to do with repetitive relational struggles?