John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory tells us that when we feel vulnerable but are unable to get the kinds of supportive responses we need to feel better we attempt to reach out in more guarded ways like through avoidance or anxiety/anger. When these don’t get us the results we need we feel on our own to care for ourselves (a very stressful experience) and tend to become judgmental towards ourselves for being vulnerable. Caring for ourselves usually means creatively finding behaviors that compensate for and communicate our needs in disguised ways. The more we do this the more blind we become to ourselves and others and the more isolated and un-satisfied we become on the inside.
People grow and heal through connection. When we are connected with we feel more whole, real and alive. In connection we are more secure to recognize feelings and thoughts we normally ignore and vulnerably trust others with them. Over time connection allows for new insight and growth.