Supporting a Loved One Through a Panic Attack: A Resource for Family Members, etc.
In the previous post, I wrote about how to survive a panic attack. In this post, we’ll explore how to support our loved ones when they are suffering panic.
Panic Attacks Are Not Just "All in Their Head"
Panic attacks are overwhelming surges of fear or distress, often accompanied by racing heart, shallow breathing, dizziness, and the intense feeling that something terrible is about to happen. Though they are not physically dangerous, they are emotionally intense and deeply unsettling to witness or experience.
Key insight: Panic is often rooted in attachment distress — a reaction in the brain's emotional systems that signals threat, disconnection, or vulnerability. Neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp identified PANIC/GRIEF as one of the brain’s core emotional systems — the same system activated during separation, loss, or loneliness.
What Panic Attacks Feel Like to the Person Experiencing One:
“I think I’m dying.”
“I feel like I can’t breathe.”
“I’m going crazy.”
“I have to get out of here.”
These thoughts are often not rational — they are physiological reactions.
What Family Members May Feel:
Helpless
Anxious or panicked themselves
Frustrated or confused
Unsure what to do or say
Important: The more confident and calm you can stay, the more their nervous system can begin to settle.
How to Help During a Panic Attack
DO:
Speak gently and slowly. Try: “You’re safe right now. I’m here.”
Guide them to breathe slowly (match your breath with theirs if they can’t follow commands).
Help them orient: “Can you look around and name 5 things you see?”
Offer presence, not solutions (don’t ask a bunch of questions): Sit beside them, be steady.
Use their name. If appropriate, offer a hug, or touch their shoulder or hand gently (only if welcomed).
Afterward, offer water or something grounding (a cool cloth, weighted blanket, or walk).
DON’T:
Say “calm down” or “you’re overreacting.”
Ask them to explain or justify their feelings.
Leave unless they ask for space and are safe.
Understanding the Emotions Behind Panic: The Change Triangle (from the work of Hilary Jacobs Hendel)
The Change Triangle shows how we often move from core emotions (like fear, sadness, anger, joy) → to anxiety or panic → and then to defenses (like shutting down, lashing out, numbing). Panic attacks may appear out of nowhere, but they are often a signal that unprocessed core emotions have built up or been avoided.
Helping someone move from panic toward core emotion (like grief or fear) and then to connection or relief takes time, presence, and a calm environment.
You Are Not Their Therapist — But You Are Their Anchor
Your role is not to fix or diagnose. Your role is to be a safe attachment figure — someone whose presence says: “You are not alone in this.”
Think of yourself as a calm dock as they ride out a storm. You don’t have to stop the storm. Just stay close.
Helping Yourself While Helping Them
Take a deep breath yourself.
Remind yourself: “This is hard, but I can stay with it.”
Reach out to your own support system if needed.
Reflect on what you need afterward (rest, time alone, reassurance).
Repeat This to Yourself:
“This is not forever. This is a nervous system in distress. My steady presence helps.”