attachment Fireworks: Why holiday Gatherings can Turn Into Anger You Didn't See Coming
Holiday anger often isn't about anger. It's panic and grief in disguise. A look at attachment, RAGE, and how to work through it when tempers flare.
Holidays carry memories of both togetherness and loss. Today's holiday, the Fourth of July, can bring up either side of that. Family visits, cookouts, long weekends with the same handful of people from morning to night. Or the absence of those gatherings: kids grown and gone, family members who've passed, living somewhere else now, a fallout that never got resolved. Either one can stir up old attachment wounds. Old roles come back. Old sore spots get touched. Someone brings up something from years ago, or nobody brings it up and the silence says just as much. And often what shows up first isn't sadness or fear. Alongside the fireworks outside, there's a different kind of combustion happening inside. It's anger.
It's easy to misread aggression. By design, it triggers fight, flight, or freeze in whoever is on the receiving end. Those are self-preserving modes, and in them it's nearly impossible to stay mindful or to do what Peter Fonagy calls mentalizing: accurately tracking what you think and feel, and what the other person thinks and feels, at the same time. Whether the anger is coming from someone else or from us, it's hard to tell in the moment whether the anger is really about anger, or whether it's covering something more vulnerable underneath.
This is especially true when anger is standing in for panic, and underneath that, grief.
The system underneath the anger
Attachment distress and attachment security are rooted in a brain system Jaak Panksepp called PANIC/GRIEF, working alongside two other systems called CARE and SEEKING. When disconnection happens and you need connection back, the automatic reaction is panic. That panic exists to alert you, and the people around you, that you need connection for survival. It teams up with SEEKING to point you toward the person you need. When that person notices your panic, it's their own CARE and SEEKING systems that pull them back toward you. These are old, fast circuits, and they run well beneath conscious thought.
When panic doesn't succeed in getting reconnection (through neglect or through attack) it risks tipping into the pain of isolation and grief. That's a state where you feel helpless, alone, and often like you don't matter. It can feel close enough to a threat to survival that the FEAR system recruits its counterpart, RAGE, to pull the system out of that collapse. RAGE brings a stronger, more mobilized feeling than panic or grief, and for a nervous system that's starting to feel it might not survive disconnection, that mobilization can feel like relief.
Why anger works, until it doesn't
Anger is empowering. Its original job, as Paul Ekman and Silvan Tomkins both described, is to clear whatever stands between you and something you're after. It comes with a sense of rightness and a jolt of confidence. Paired with SEEKING, it can help a person get real things done.
The problem is that in relationships, when anger is being called up in service of PANIC/GRIEF rather than in service of an actual obstacle, it tends to produce the opposite of what's needed. It pushes the other person away and adds to the misunderstanding instead of resolving it. The person on the receiving end usually focuses on the anger itself and misses the panic, grief, and fear driving it. That deepens the isolation, the helplessness, and the hit to self-worth that started the whole cycle.
From response to pattern
This pattern doesn't come from nowhere. It builds out of repeated experiences where attachment cues weren't met well, and over time the response becomes automatic. At the automatic, repeated level, we start calling it personality.
This particular pattern (anger that is really panic and grief in disguise) shows up more often in certain personality profiles: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and in Enneagram terms, the one-to-one (sexual) subtypes of Eights, Ones, and Fours in particular. In each case, the anger looks like the presenting problem, but the attachment system underneath it is what actually needs attention.
What changes it
Change comes from three places: awareness, tools, and new experience.
Awareness means being able to mindfully notice when you're about to tip into this state, when you're in it, and what happened as a result once it's passed. That includes recognizing your own patterns: how you think, what you feel, where your eyes go, what happens in your body, how you move, and what you tend to say. A simple way to check yourself, or to notice it in someone else, is to ask what you tend to:
Think
Say
Feel
Do
Tools, from a Somatic Experiencing lens, give the nervous system a way to move through activation instead of getting stuck at the top of it or freezing under it.
Titration means taking the activation in small pieces instead of all at once. Rather than diving straight into the memory or the argument that set off the rage, you touch it briefly, notice what happens in the body, and back off before it overwhelms you. Small doses are easier for the nervous system to process and complete.
Pendulation is the rhythm of moving between that activation and a place of relative ease or resource, back and forth. You might notice the heat rising in your chest, then shift attention to your feet on the floor or a steady breath, then check back in with the heat. That back and forth is what teaches the body it can go into activation and come back out, instead of getting flooded.
Shifting attention in and out works alongside both. Attention in means noticing sensation, tension, temperature, and impulses to move. Attention out means noticing the room, another person's face, or something neutral and steady nearby. Moving between the two keeps you from getting swallowed by the internal experience or dissociating away from it entirely.
Tracking waves of activation and deactivation means watching the rise and fall as it happens rather than judging it. Rage has a shape: it builds, it peaks, and if you don't feed it or fight it, it comes back down. Learning to watch that curve, rather than either suppressing it or getting swept into it, is what turns rage from something that happens to you into something you can move through.
None of this is about stopping the anger before it starts. It's about staying present enough in your body to ride the wave instead of being ridden by it.
New experience comes from two places at once: growing confidence in your own capacity for self-regulation, and being met by people whose own nervous systems can stay regulated while yours isn't, people who can understand you and stay close to you through the storm instead of matching it or retreating from it.
Bringing it back to the holiday
If this weekend brings up a flash of irritation at a family member that threatens to turn into a blow up or painful drama, or you watch someone you love go from calm to furious over something small, try not to jump straight to conclusions about "bad behavior." Underneath a lot of holiday tempers is an old, fast circuit doing exactly what it was built to do: trying to get connection back before the isolation underneath becomes unbearable.
That doesn't excuse harm done in the heat of it. But it does point to where the real work is. Not in suppressing the anger and not in venting it, but in learning to recognize the panic and grief driving it, and building the capacity, in yourself and in your relationships, to stay close through the storm instead of being scattered by it.
The Neurobiology of Attachment: Insights from Allan Schore's Research
Attachment theory has revolutionized our understanding of human development and relationships. While John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth laid the groundwork, Allan Schore's groundbreaking research has illuminated the neurobiological underpinnings of attachment, showing how early relationships literally shape the developing brain. This intersection of neuroscience and attachment theory offers profound insights for both mental health professionals and parents.
Attachment theory has revolutionized our understanding of human development and relationships. While John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth laid the groundwork, Allan Schore's groundbreaking research has illuminated the neurobiological underpinnings of attachment, showing how early relationships literally shape the developing brain. This intersection of neuroscience and attachment theory offers profound insights for both mental health professionals and parents.
The Right Brain Connection
Schore's work emphasizes the critical role of the right hemisphere in attachment and emotional development. Unlike the left hemisphere, which develops later and specializes in language and logic, the right brain matures earlier and processes emotional and social information. This hemisphere is dominant during our first three years of life – a period Schore calls the "critical period of emotional development" (Schore, 2001).
During early interactions with caregivers, particularly during face-to-face exchanges, the infant's right brain engages with the caregiver's right brain in a delicate dance of attunement. These moments of emotional synchrony trigger the release of neurochemicals that promote brain growth and create neural pathways essential for emotional regulation.
The Impact of Early Experience
Schore's research reveals how profoundly early attachment experiences influence brain development. Secure attachment relationships promote optimal development of the orbitofrontal cortex – a brain region crucial for emotional regulation and interpersonal functioning. When caregivers consistently respond to their infant's emotional states with attunement and regulation, they help build the neural architecture necessary for healthy emotional development.
Conversely, when early attachment experiences are marked by chronic misattunement or trauma, the developing brain adapts in ways that can lead to long-term difficulties with emotional regulation and relationships. These adaptations, while protective in the short term, can manifest later as various forms of psychopathology (Schore, 2003).
Implications for Therapy
Schore's work has profound implications for psychotherapy. Understanding that early attachment patterns are stored in the right brain's implicit memory system helps explain why talk therapy alone may not be sufficient for addressing deep-seated attachment issues. Instead, Schore advocates for therapeutic approaches that engage the right brain through nonverbal channels – tone of voice, facial expressions, and emotional attunement.
The therapeutic relationship itself can serve as a "second chance" at secure attachment. Through right-brain-to-right-brain communication, therapists can help clients develop new neural pathways for emotional regulation and interpersonal connection. This process, which Schore terms "interactive repair," can help heal early attachment wounds and promote more adaptive functioning.
Moving Forward
Schore's contributions highlight the importance of early intervention and prevention. Supporting parents in developing secure attachments with their infants isn't just about promoting emotional well-being – it's about optimizing brain development during critical periods of growth.
For clinicians, this research underscores the importance of working at both verbal and nonverbal levels, understanding that healing happens through relationship and regulation, not just insight and interpretation. As Schore notes, "The therapist's role is not just to hear what the patient says, but to feel what the patient feels" (Schore, 2012).
References:
Schore, A. N. (2001). Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 7-66.
Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company.
Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.
Stages of attachment
Attachment plays a crucial role in human development, influencing how we form relationships throughout our lives. In counseling, understanding these stages can be beneficial in helping clients explore their relational patterns. Here’s a brief overview of the stages of attachment:
The following is a summary of the “Stages of Attachment Cheatsheet” from the Attachment Project. I liked their PDF and thought the info would be helpful. A link to the original PDF is at the bottom.
Understanding the Stages of Attachment*
Attachment plays a crucial role in human development, influencing how we form relationships throughout our lives. In counseling, understanding these stages can be beneficial in helping clients explore their relational patterns. Here’s a brief overview of the stages of attachment:
Pre-Attachment Stage (0-2 months): During this stage, infants are biologically predisposed to form attachments. They begin to recognize their caregivers, but there is no strong attachment bond yet.
Attachment in the Making (2-6 months): Infants start responding differently to familiar caregivers compared to strangers. Although the bond is still developing, they are more likely to smile or coo at their primary caregivers.
Clear-Cut Attachment (6 months-2 years): This is the critical phase where strong attachment bonds form. Babies often exhibit separation anxiety when away from their primary caregivers and are noticeably distressed when separated.
Formation of Reciprocal Relationships (2 years and beyond): As children grow, their language and cognitive skills improve, allowing them to understand why caregivers may come and go. This marks the development of a more reciprocal relationship with caregivers, and the child begins to balance attachment needs with independence.
______________________
Understanding these stages can provide insight into adult attachment styles, which are often formed based on early experiences. If clients struggle with relationships, revisiting these foundational stages can help illuminate underlying patterns and promote healing.
Below are the key references to support the summary of the stages of attachment based on psychological theory:
John Bowlby's Attachment Theory: Bowlby, a British psychologist, is the pioneer of attachment theory. His work describes the critical role of early bonds between infants and their caregivers in shaping future relational patterns and emotional development(stages-of-attachment-ch…).
Ainsworth's "Strange Situation" Study: Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work by identifying distinct attachment styles through her "Strange Situation" study, which provided empirical evidence for the stages of attachment and the importance of caregiver responsiveness during infancy(stages-of-attachment-ch…).
Developmental Psychology: Attachment theory is widely discussed in developmental psychology, emphasizing how early attachment experiences influence later relationships. These ideas are elaborated in many academic texts on child development(stages-of-attachment-ch…).
If you're looking for a deeper dive into these stages or have specific client needs in mind, consider discussing attachment theory in therapy sessions. It's a foundational concept that can offer valuable insights into personal relationships and emotional health.
*Summarized from the Attachment Project’s “Stages of Attachment Cheatsheet”