Jealousy, Envy, and What Lent Has to Do With Your Inner Life
I'll never forget the object lesson my six-year-old son taught me years ago — without meaning to.
It was Ash Wednesday. We'd just finished the church service in midtown Kansas City. His cross had smudged into an unrecognizable blur. His four-year-old sister's cross? Perfect. The moment he noticed, he reached over and smudged hers too.
That's the difference between jealousy and envy in a single gesture.
Jealousy says, "I wish I had what you have."
Envy says, "I can't stand that you have something good when I don't — so I want to destroy it."
They feel similar, but they're not. Jealousy is longing. Envy is destruction. Psychologists and researchers have explored this distinction for decades, noting that envy in particular is linked to feelings of shame and inferiority — the painful sense that someone else's good fortune somehow makes us less (Parrott & Smith, 1993).
What Does This Have to Do With Lent and good therapy?
The season of Lent is, at its core, about slowing down and taking inventory. It's a time to let go of distractions, notice what's driving you, and reorient toward what matters. Historically it's a preparation for Easter — but the inner work it calls for is remarkably similar to what happens in good therapy.
In therapy, we slow down too. We get curious about what we're actually feeling, what we're thinking, and why we do what we do. That kind of honest self-reflection builds what researchers call emotional awareness — the ability to recognize and name emotional experiences as they happen (Lane & Schwartz, 1987). And awareness, it turns out, is where change begins.
When we can name what we're feeling — whether that's envy, shame, longing, or something else — we create a moment of choice. We don't have to act automatically. We can interrupt the old pattern and come back to something steadier.
My son didn't have that awareness yet. He just acted. Most of us, at one point or another, have done the same — reached out and smudged someone else's cross because we couldn't tolerate the difference.
The good news? That's exactly what therapy (and Lent) is for.
If you're curious about how therapy in Kansas City and Overland Park can help you develop greater self-awareness and emotional regulation, Analog Counseling is here to help.
References
Lane, R. D., & Schwartz, G. E. (1987). Levels of emotional awareness: A cognitive-developmental theory and its application to psychopathology. American Journal of Psychiatry, 144(2), 133–143. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.144.2.133
Parrott, W. G., & Smith, R. H. (1993). Distinguishing the experiences of envy and jealousy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 64(6), 906–920. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.64.6.906