The Myth of Self-Regulation: Why Healing Requires Connection

In our fast-paced, solution-oriented world, we often search for quick fixes to emotional struggles. Self-help books, meditation apps, and cognitive techniques promise transformation through independent work. While these tools have their place, they miss a crucial truth about emotional healing: we cannot think our way out of emotional pain.

Dr. Allan Schore, a pioneering researcher in neuropsychology and attachment theory, has consistently emphasized that emotional healing occurs primarily through right-brain to right-brain communication – in other words, through emotional attunement with others. His research shows that our unconscious emotional patterns, formed in early relationships, can only be transformed through new relational experiences.

"There has been too much of an emphasis on auto regulation and not enough emphasis on interactive regulation," Schore notes. The key to transformation lies not in solitary reflection but in finding people with whom we can be truly vulnerable. This means sharing our struggles, showing our imperfections, and allowing others to witness our authentic selves.

The emphasis on self-regulation reflects our cultural values of independence and self-sufficiency. However, this approach contradicts what neuroscience tells us about emotional healing. The right hemisphere of our brain, which processes emotions and holds our implicit memories, develops and changes through emotional resonance with others. No amount of logical thinking or self-analysis can access these deeper emotional patterns effectively.

This understanding has profound implications for mental health treatment. While cognitive approaches have their place, true healing requires what Schore calls "interactive regulation" – the dynamic process of emotional attunement between people. This might involve therapy, support groups, or deep friendships where genuine vulnerability is possible.

The challenge for many lies in overcoming the fear of vulnerability. Our culture often views dependency as weakness, yet the capacity to lean on others is essential for emotional growth. The path to healing requires us to challenge this narrative and embrace the transformative power of authentic connection.

As we move forward in mental health treatment, we must shift from an overreliance on self-regulation strategies to a more balanced approach that honors our fundamental need for connection and co-regulation.

References:

Schore, A. N. (2019). Right Brain Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Regulation and the Repair of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company.