Embracing Vulnerability: The Power of Mindfulness in Healing from Abandonment Trauma

Abandonment, whether experienced as a baby, a child, a teen, or an adult, can leave deep emotional scars that echo throughout our lives. The crushing weight of feeling unseen and uncared for, especially by the one leaving, can instill a fear of abandonment that lingers, shaping our interactions and responses to relationships in adulthood.

For many, the abandonment might have occurred before conscious memory formed, yet its impact reverberates through moments of panic and anxiety, often leaving individuals confused and embarrassed by their own reactions. The automatic eruption of rage at the mere prediction of being left again is often misunderstood, sometimes even perceived as a threat, perpetuating a cycle where the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s essential to understand that these reactions stem from a place of deep-seated trauma, where the coping mechanisms developed in response to abandonment were the only tools available at the time. The humiliation and alienation felt in a society often lacking in empathy only compound the distress.

Enter mindfulness—a powerful tool for embracing our vulnerable, traumatized states while cultivating more adult-like or pro-social responses to triggers. Mindfulness invites us to slow down and non-judgmentally observe our thoughts, feelings, and impulses without immediately acting upon them. While it may seem daunting at first, with practice, it becomes empowering, soothing, and encouraging, offering a path to greater freedom and connection.

Incorporating mindfulness into our lives requires patience and dedication, but the benefits are profound. Here are some strategies to begin the journey:

1. Making Sense of Feelings: Start by acknowledging and accepting your feelings without judgment. Allow yourself to experience them fully, recognizing that they are valid responses to past experiences.

2. Orienting Exercises: Incorporate practices like Somatic Experiencing to prevent overwhelm and ground yourself in the present moment. These exercises help regulate the nervous system, providing a sense of safety and stability.

3. Journaling or Art: Engage in creative expression as a means of processing your experiences and emotions. Writing or creating art can provide a tangible outlet for exploring complex feelings and gaining insights into your inner world.

While mindfulness is a lifelong journey, each step taken brings us closer to healing from the wounds of abandonment. By cultivating awareness and compassion for ourselves, we can gradually transform our reactions, fostering deeper connections with others and reclaiming our sense of agency in the face of adversity.

In a society that often overlooks the complexities of trauma, practicing mindfulness offers a beacon of hope—a pathway to liberation from the shackles of our past and a return to wholeness. As we journey inward, embracing our vulnerabilities with courage and grace, we discover the resilience and strength that have always resided within us, waiting to be awakened.

What is trauma?

“Trauma is incomplete self-protective responses waiting to be completed.”

Dr. Peter Levine

Dr. Peter Levine created Somatic Experiencing (c) but what does he mean by “Trauma is incomplete self-protective responses waiting to be completed”? Think of it this way:

• A threatening moment (could be emotional overwhelm or an outside threat to our safety) causes an automatic reaction towards trying to keep you alive. We usually think of these as fight, flight or freeze.

• These are are meant to “complete”. Meaning they are meant to cause us to feel certain emotions & take certain actions until we register that the overwhelm or threat is gone or done.

• When we don’t allow our system to complete* those fight/flight/freeze reactions get stuck in our systems and cause problems (like depression/anxiety/and more)

• Somatic Experiencing therapy can help the body safely complete these cycles and let go of the enormous amount of energy that is being used by the stuck fight/flight/freeze attempts and bring order back to your nervous system.

*Reasons we don’t allow our systems to complete fight/flight/freeze are numerous. For example, we might be in a car accident or something else extreme and there’s not enough time to move our bodies to protect ourselves like we want to (I fell off a tall ramp skateboarding at 39 broke my elbow and had this experience) , emotionally we might feel a murderous rage in reaction to a co-worker or a boss but we can’t act on that so we squash it and dissociate from our rage because we don’t know how to handle it without feeling out of control. Another emotional example is we receive heartbreaking news but are in public or with our young kids and don’t feel we can truly cry and grieve in that situation so we squash it and dissociate from the grief and the pain. A final example is as children we may not have felt safe to express our fear to our parents or teachers or peers and we learned to squash it and dissociate from it.

Are you tired??

Books meant a lot to me as a child (they still do). Roald Dahl, Louis Sachar, Beverly Clearly…the worlds they painted took me away. Perhaps the author most impacting at that age on me was Shel Silverstein. His book Lafcadio: the lion who shot back captured me with its absurdity and wit and remains a favorite. Today I still have two Silverstein books from my childhood in my library. One is Lafcadio and the other is my first copy of A Light in the Attic. Reading through it today I was reminded of a poem that speaks a truth that’s always good to hear.

Let's stop calling people mental health diagnosis'

Let’s stop making mental health diagnosis' people’s identity. It’s inaccurate, degrading and only repeating a negative pattern.

A phrase that often gets used is “He or She or They are just a ___________” Narcissist, Borderline, etc. This is a problem for two reasons:

1) COGNITIVE/EMOTIONAL TRAITS AND ORGANIZATION DO NOT EQUAL IDENTITY. THEY EQUAL A COMPLEX MIX OF GENETICS/EPIGENETICS/ENVIRONMENT. TRAITS REVEAL HOW A PERSON HAS COPED AND SURVIVED AND UNCONSCIOUSLY LEARNED TO PROTECT THEMSELVES (HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE). THOSE WAYS GOT USED OVER AND OVER AND BECAME HABIT AND EVENTUALLY PERSONALITY (A WAY OF SAYING AN UNCONSCIOUS AUTOMATIC PATTERN OF REACTING TO STIMULUS).

2) IN MY EXPERIENCE PEOPLE USE THAT LANGUAGE WHEN THEY’VE BEEN HURT BY SOMEONE WHO HAS THOSE KINDS OF TRAITS. IN CONDENSING THEM TO A DIAGNOSIS (THAT THEY MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE) THEY ARE RELATING TO THE PERSON IN THE SAME DEHUMANIZING WAY THEY WERE RELATED TO FROM THEM. THIS IS NOT A HIGHER WAY ITS JUST FLIPPING THE SCRIPT, REVERSING ROLES AND CONTINUING THE SAME CONFIGURATION OF A DOMINATE OR BE DOMINATED MENTALITY. IT DOESN’T WORK TOWARDS A BETTER WORLD.

So please, if someone is a hurtful person let’s find ways to NOT continue the pattern of hurting on by calling them a diagnosis.

Are you isolating others and yourself and not knowing it?

When we are uncomfortable/insecure with certain emotions we unconsciously keep ourselves from knowing that we are feeling them. However, they still get communicated. Probably the most common way is what we usually call passive aggressiveness. Another way that’s becoming more common is sometimes called “toxic positivity”. People feel good when they are engaged authentically (albeit respectfully). Lots of reasons cause emotional conflict (e.g. religion, workplace politics, gender pressures, etc.) but they all come down to fear. We feel anxious to know about how we feel because we predict we will feel bad (maybe overwhelmed or guilty or ashamed) and others will have a hurtful reaction to us. If you find yourself always avoiding conflict you may wonder if you really are avoiding bothering people and having a negative effect on your relationships? People organically feel when someone is being honest with them (and themselves). The more people feel passivity in place of genuine emotion the more they feel isolated when with you. This is because they don’t feel resonated with as an emotional person. Over time that creates unconscious reactions to you that will cause people to avoid bringing things up to you. You will cut yourself out of the communication. So, if avoiding conflict is a problem for you maybe some self work is needed so you can give yourself the best chance for connection in the future.