The Truth About Therapy: It’s Not Magic, It’s Hard Work

Therapy is often portrayed as a magical solution, a quick fix to life’s problems. But the reality is far from it. It’s not a passive item you purchase and voila, everything is fixed. Therapy is a practice, a process that requires commitment, consistency, and hard work.

First and foremost, therapy is an investment—financially, temporally, and emotionally. It’s not just about showing up for a session once a week; it’s about actively engaging in the therapeutic process both inside and outside the therapy room. It’s about reflecting on oneself, confronting uncomfortable truths (ie accepting the emotions, desires and needs you really have), and making difficult changes (even self care can be a challenge for some).

When I tell people that therapy typically spans from six months to several years, depending on the situation, it’s not just to learn a few “tools.” It’s about fundamentally transforming one’s life. It’s about moving from merely coping with life’s challenges to finding real emotional solutions and lasting change.

But here’s the kicker: therapy might mess your life up before it gets better. Why? Because you’ve constructed your life based on coping mechanisms and the coping mechanisms of others. When you start to unravel those layers and delve into deeper emotional solutions, it can disrupt your existing relationships and dynamics. You might realize that some relationships no longer serve you or align with your newfound growth. This can be an incredibly challenging aspect of the therapeutic journey.

However, despite the discomfort and upheaval it may bring, the question remains: is anything more worth it than finding relative peace of mind and a sense of authenticity in this world? Therapy isn’t about conforming to societal norms or maintaining comfortable illusions. It’s about confronting the truth, compassionately and safely facing our memories and emotions, and ultimately, finding freedom and authenticity in our lives so that we can truly relate mutually with others. In this way love and the ability to truly love are the ultimate goals of therapy.

So, while therapy is not a magical cure-all, it is a transformative journey—one that requires courage, commitment, and resilience. It’s about embracing the discomfort, navigating the challenges, and ultimately, emerging as a stronger, more authentic version of oneself. And in the end, that journey is worth every ounce of effort and investment it demands.

The three pillars of mental health change

Memory, Completion & Mindfulness are the three pillars for deep and lasting change in mental health and the thing that ties them all together is emotions.

Memory

Our brains love to automate tasks to save energy. But sometimes, in tough situations like trauma, the solutions we learn aren't really solutions at all. Instead, we cope to get through. While coping helps us survive, it doesn't fix things. Our brains then remember this coping as the solution. So, when similar situations arise, our brains automatically activate this coping mechanism. This means we feel and react the same way we did during the trauma. Luckily, memories can change. By recalling and feeling them, they change back into a form where we can alter how they affect us*. This is crucial for changing trauma reactions, whether from past hurts or sudden shocks.

Completion

When we feel threatened, our instincts kick in with fight, flight, or freeze responses. But often, these responses don't get a chance to finish. All that energy gets stuck in our bodies, waiting to be released. Releasing this pent-up energy is essential for our nervous system to regain its balance. This can lead to improvements in anxiety and depression.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps us distinguish between the present and the past. It allows us to observe tension without reacting impulsively. By practicing mindfulness, we can slow down and become our best selves. This skill improves with practice and repetition.

Emotions tie all these elements together. They start as physical sensations and evolve into conscious feelings like fear, joy, or anger. Emotions tell us how important a moment is for survival and give us insight into our current state of being.

In conclusion, memory, completion, and mindfulness are vital for deep and lasting change in mental health. By understanding and working with our emotions, we can unlock new levels of well-being and resilience.

*This process is called Memory Reconsolidation and it became known widely from the lab of the famous neuroscientist Joseph Le Doux It was his student Karim Nader who discovered this.

The Triad of Change: Memory, Completion, and Mindfulness in Mental Health

Achieving profound and lasting change in our mental health and emotional well-being requires addressing three fundamental elements: memory, the completion of initiated responses, and mindfulness. These components serve as the cornerstone for transforming our automatic emotional and behavioral patterns and paving the way for new beginnings.

• Memory: Our memories, both short-term and long-term, play a pivotal role in shaping our perceptions and responses to various situations. Long-term memories form the basis of our predictive models, guiding our behaviors and emotions based on past experiences. When we encounter familiar situations, often unconsciously, we default to automatic mode, relying on learned coping mechanisms to navigate through challenges.

However, the problem arises when these coping mechanisms are rooted in survival rather than true resolution. For instance, if as children, we learned to cope with unmet needs by numbing our emotions or shutting down, these patterns can persist into adulthood. Despite having greater agency as adults, our automatic responses remain stuck in survival mode, leading to feelings of panic, clinginess, rage, or withdrawal when triggered by similar situations.

To instigate real change, we must address these ingrained memories and disrupt the automated responses they trigger. This involves discharging emotional distress associated with past experiences and creating space for new adaptive strategies to emerge.

• Completion of Initiated Responses: Many times, when faced with threatening situations, our bodies initiate fight, flight, or freeze responses as a means of self-protection. However, if these responses are not completed, they can linger within us, manifesting as chronic stress or unresolved tension.

Completing these initiated responses involves allowing our bodies to release the stored energy from past traumas, thereby freeing ourselves from the grip of unresolved stress. Through somatic practices and therapeutic interventions, we can facilitate the discharge of pent-up emotional energy and restore a sense of balance and resilience.

• Mindfulness: Mindfulness serves as the bridge between past experiences and present awareness, offering us the opportunity to observe our thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without judgment. By cultivating mindfulness, we can develop greater self-awareness and discernment, allowing us to recognize and interrupt automatic patterns of behavior.

Rather than simply reacting to stimuli based on past conditioning, mindfulness empowers us to respond consciously and compassionately to the present moment. It opens the door to new possibilities, enabling us to break free from the constraints of past memories and embrace fresh perspectives on our lives.

In conclusion, while there may be countless tools and techniques for enhancing emotional intelligence and behavioral regulation, true transformation begins by addressing the core issues of memory, completion, and mindfulness. By delving into the depths of our past experiences, releasing unresolved tensions, and cultivating present-moment awareness, we can embark on a journey of profound healing and growth. Let us embrace the power of change and embark on the path towards greater well-being and fulfillment.

Rethinking Defensiveness: A Path to Mutual Understanding

How many times have you heard people weaponize being “defensive”? “You’re being defensive!” We accuse each other of this as if we are pointing out a moral failure or a flaw. The truth is if someone is indeed protecting themselves it’s a sign that their mind and nervous system ARE WORKING PROPERLY given what they assume about the moment. Meaning that we are supposed to be able to protect ourselves from threat when we perceive it. Our nervous systems are designed to go between open and closed all the time. It would not help you survive if you were in a protective mode all the time and equally it would not serve survival if you were open all the time. You need to be able to move dynamically between these modes.

The next time you sense someone is in a defensive mode TAKE STOCK OF YOURSELF and notice if it bothers you. If so, get curious. What’s going on right now? What’s my emotional state, how am I impacting them? What are they going through and how does it make sense? How am I feeling and what do I need right now? Is that need available here or do I need to make a change?

The point is defensiveness is not bad the real issue is relating mutually. We fail to own our personal impact usually because we are insecure. Recognizing how we are contributing to a relational moment is not admitting some kind of objective failure or guilt or shame it’s simply recognizing WHAT might be happening not who is right and who is wrong. That kind of black and white, win or lose thinking is indicative of being in an insecure state that might let you know that a change is needed to feel less threatened again so you can return to reflective thinking.

The Hidden Link to Mental Health: Memories and Your Body's Response

When we talk about mental health, we often focus on things like taking care of ourselves and finding ways to cope with stress. But there's a deeper issue that we don't always address: our memories and how they affect us.

Imagine you're in a situation that makes you feel threatened, whether it's something scary or just really stressful. Your natural instinct is to feel safe, but sometimes that feeling of safety doesn't come easily. So, your body and mind kick in to help you cope. They basically try to make you less aware of how upset you are, so you can deal with the situation without feeling overwhelmed.

But here's the catch: even though you might feel better for a while, those feelings of threat stick around in your body. You might notice physical signs like a tight chest or tense muscles, and those uncomfortable feelings can hang around, even when the threat is gone.

This constant state of stress takes a lot of energy and can make you feel exhausted. It can also lead to long-term issues like depression or anxiety. And sometimes, it's hard to understand why you feel the way you do, which can be really confusing.

The key to feeling better isn't just about changing your mindset or talking about abstract ideas like ego. It's about dealing with those memories and helping your body finish its response to the threat. This means acknowledging how you feel physically and emotionally, and making sense of what you've been through.

By taking this approach, you can start to break free from the grip of past traumas and move towards a happier, healthier life. Healing isn't just about fixing your thoughts – it's about reconnecting with yourself and finding peace in both your body and mind.