Navigating Emotions: Understanding, Reacting, and Healing

It's a common tale: folks beating themselves up over their emotions and casting judgment on others for theirs. But here are two key points that could really help tackle this issue:

First off, feelings aren't a menu we pick from; they're automatic responses to our experiences. We can't choose what we feel, but we can choose how we react to those emotions. That's a lifelong skill, one that takes practice every day.

Secondly, what we feel isn't just about the present; it's also influenced by our past experiences. Our brains are wired to be efficient, always referencing past situations to inform our current feelings. But sometimes, especially in cases of trauma, what we remember isn't a solution, it's a coping mechanism. Coping doesn't let safety responses complete; it bypasses them, potentially causing more issues down the line.

So, how do we deal with all this? Well, judgment isn't the answer; it only makes things worse. Instead, we need empathy, compassion, and a mindfulness practice (and maybe some trauma therapy) to help us understand our emotions better and decide if our responses are the ones we want.

Navigating the Depths of Human Emotions: Understanding, Adapting, and Processing

Human Emotions
Emotions are both simple and complex, residing at the core of our human experience. At their essence, our brain houses seven fundamental emotional systems, intricately connected to our body's nervous system, giving rise to our basic emotional responses. These seminal emotions, as elucidated by pioneering affective neuroscientist Jack Penksepp, encompass lust, anger, excitement, panic, grief, fear, care, and joy. Antonio Damassio, another prominent neuroscientist, posits that emotions serve as feedback mechanisms, gauging our survival status. In essence, they are signals, indicating the sustainability and safety of our bodies, relationships, and environment, and guiding us on adaptive behaviors for survival.

However, uniquely as humans, we possess the neo cortex, a cognitive domain enabling us to override and suppress our primal emotions. This cerebral region facilitates higher-order functions like reasoning, reflection, and planning. Yet, when we stifle our emotions to conform to societal norms — refraining from reacting aggressively when provoked by our boss or withholding tears in public places — we inadvertently obstruct our access to their inherent wisdom and guidance.

Running in the Waves: A Lesson in Emotion and Adaptation
When my son was around five years old, we went to the beach on a family vacation. He was enjoying playing in the surf with his older cousin. With each rush of crashing waves, he'd dart into the water, only to be knocked over and then hurriedly return to my side. His little hand would reach out, seeking reassurance, before running back to rejoin his cousin's antics. What was going on? The force of the waves (and the sound of them) along with the brief moments submerged underwater scared him which signaled to him the potential danger of the situation. In order to adapt to survival he sought solace in my presence, finding comfort in the care and strength I offered. With this reassurance, he would gather the courage to venture back into the waves, joining his cousin in play. Without my presence, he would have been compelled to find alternative ways to confront his fear, perhaps abandoning the water altogether or suppressing his emotions (of not only fear but panic as well when he didn’t have an attachment figure to connect to), enduring a tense, disconnected experience. Such suppression could have left him with unresolved energy, hindering his ability to fully engage with his surroundings until addressed.

Summary

At the end of the day we have to acknowledge and honor our emotions, both primal and societal, without judgment. While it's essential to temper our instinctual reactions to practice love and maintain social harmony, we mustn't neglect the importance of acknowledging and processing our emotions in safe spaces, allowing them to complete their natural course. Emotions, akin to balloons, inflate with tension, urging us to take action in order to release the tension and restore equilibrium. In confronting anti-social impulses, rather than condemning them, we should approach them with empathy and support, facilitating their resolution in a nurturing environment.

Something you didn’t know about emotions

Emotions are like the thermostat in your home or the temp in your body. They have a set point and they have limits for how little or much they can be. When they move outside of those limits is when we feel them. When we feel them is when they begin to put a demand on us to do something to relieve the emotional tension. Since emotions tell us about the health of our body, environment and relationships these actions have something to do with helping us adapt for surviving and thriving in the moment. For example, when you feel sad you are tasked to acknowledge that you lost something important and to grieve through crying, slowing down and seeking comfort. In doing that you truly adapt to the loss and set yourself up for living beyond it well. So the ultimate goal of feelings is to make you adapt so that you don’t feel much. For more on this look at the work of Dr. Mark Solms, Dr. Jaak Panksepp and Dr. Antonio Damasio.

The three pillars of mental health change

Memory, Completion & Mindfulness are the three pillars for deep and lasting change in mental health and the thing that ties them all together is emotions.

Memory

Our brains love to automate tasks to save energy. But sometimes, in tough situations like trauma, the solutions we learn aren't really solutions at all. Instead, we cope to get through. While coping helps us survive, it doesn't fix things. Our brains then remember this coping as the solution. So, when similar situations arise, our brains automatically activate this coping mechanism. This means we feel and react the same way we did during the trauma. Luckily, memories can change. By recalling and feeling them, they change back into a form where we can alter how they affect us*. This is crucial for changing trauma reactions, whether from past hurts or sudden shocks.

Completion

When we feel threatened, our instincts kick in with fight, flight, or freeze responses. But often, these responses don't get a chance to finish. All that energy gets stuck in our bodies, waiting to be released. Releasing this pent-up energy is essential for our nervous system to regain its balance. This can lead to improvements in anxiety and depression.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness helps us distinguish between the present and the past. It allows us to observe tension without reacting impulsively. By practicing mindfulness, we can slow down and become our best selves. This skill improves with practice and repetition.

Emotions tie all these elements together. They start as physical sensations and evolve into conscious feelings like fear, joy, or anger. Emotions tell us how important a moment is for survival and give us insight into our current state of being.

In conclusion, memory, completion, and mindfulness are vital for deep and lasting change in mental health. By understanding and working with our emotions, we can unlock new levels of well-being and resilience.

*This process is called Memory Reconsolidation and it became known widely from the lab of the famous neuroscientist Joseph Le Doux It was his student Karim Nader who discovered this.

Getting past the breakers: finding and taming your emotions

By: Aaron Mitchum

Growing up in Kansas, as a skateboard kid of the nineties, the southern California surf and skate culture was the dream. So it was no surprise that I set my sites on going to college in LA. When I arrived at university I became obsessed with learning how to surf. I went twice a week for two years. My friends and I would wake up at 4:30a Tuesdays and Thursdays and drive 45 minutes out to Huntington and Newport Beach to surf before class. Alas though no matter how hard I tried I never got good at surfing. To this day I suck at surfing. It wasn’t a loss though, I did learn something. I learned about getting past the breakers. The breakers are the part where waves crash. To surf you have to get behind that part to where the swells come in before they become waves. That’s where you can catch the waves as they form. Getting past the breakers can be really hard. They push you back. They push under. You take on water. You get disoriented. You get cold, it’s exhausting and a little scary. As you are ducking and diving the crashing waves everything in your senses is saying “this is clearly not a good idea”. It’s a lot like learning to access your emotions when you have really struggled with that or like learning to tame your emotions when you’ve really struggled with that. It just feels like going against the momentum and it’s hard to intuitively feel why it’s worth it.

When I finally did get past the breakers though it all became clear. I had a totally different experience. Things got calm. My perspective changed. I could see and feel why it was worth it. Sitting out past the breakers, taking in the sun rise and being with my friends are some of my favorite memories in life (this was all just before I would try to actually ride a wave and totally eat it in front of everyone, revealing my midwest roots). Getting access to your emotions or healing emotional overwhelm is like getting past the breakers. It’s not quite as final as that, we are always in a process (there are always going to be breakers to swim past) but it is similar in that you almost have to go through it to understand what it has to offer you. Finding the energy and vibrancy of a rich emotional life will help you feel alive and authentic in new ways. Likewise, finding the strength to heal emotional overwhelm leaves you feeling empowered to take on life in courageous new ways. Both require getting past the breakers though. So if you’re in the struggle (and the struggle is real make no mistake) know you are not alone and take hope, there is another side.