What Counseling Isn’t: Clearing Up Common Misunderstandings

It might seem odd to write about what counseling isn’t, but there's a lot of confusion about effective therapy. So, let’s clear up some misconceptions.

Counseling is Not Giving Advice

A friend once mentioned they were unsure if their loved one’s therapist was giving good advice. This is a common misunderstanding. People often think therapy is about being told what to do. But, imagine a therapist as an archeologist. They dig in areas where they believe they might find significant artifacts. When they find something, they carefully uncover and study it to understand the bigger picture.

Similarly, therapists help you explore your thoughts, feelings, sensations, and memories. They work with you to understand these elements and how they fit into the bigger picture of your life, often uncovering connections to past traumas. The goal isn’t to give advice, but to help you understand yourself better and develop strategies to create meaningful change in your life.

Counseling is Not Quick or Easy

Many people are surprised by how long therapy can take, as well as the time, effort, and cost involved. Changing your brain and breaking old habits is a delicate, slow process. While there are aids like medication or alternative methods that can support therapy, the core work is often gradual and requires patience.

Counseling is Not a Regular Conversation or Relationship

Therapy conversations are unique. They aim to access parts of you that don't typically come up in everyday interactions. This means the topics and the way you talk about them are different. You might be encouraged to express your true feelings, which can be challenging and make you feel vulnerable. Therapists aren’t interested in being politically correct or sticking to societal norms—they focus on what truly is. There’s no right or wrong, just what exists.

Moreover, the therapist-client relationship is different from a regular friendship. It’s a unique bond with emotional intimacy, where the therapist knows a lot about you, but you know less about them. This imbalance, however, creates a powerful connection essential for making progress. You might feel younger, more empowered, or different in other ways compared to your daily relationships. As trust builds, you’ll become more open to feelings you’ve previously hidden, allowing them to surface and be addressed, whether they stem from developmental stages or trauma.

Understanding these distinctions helps in appreciating what therapy is truly about: a journey of self-discovery, healing, and growth, rather than a quick fix or a series of friendly chats.

The Truth About Therapy: It’s Not Magic, It’s Hard Work

Therapy is often portrayed as a magical solution, a quick fix to life’s problems. But the reality is far from it. It’s not a passive item you purchase and voila, everything is fixed. Therapy is a practice, a process that requires commitment, consistency, and hard work.

First and foremost, therapy is an investment—financially, temporally, and emotionally. It’s not just about showing up for a session once a week; it’s about actively engaging in the therapeutic process both inside and outside the therapy room. It’s about reflecting on oneself, confronting uncomfortable truths (ie accepting the emotions, desires and needs you really have), and making difficult changes (even self care can be a challenge for some).

When I tell people that therapy typically spans from six months to several years, depending on the situation, it’s not just to learn a few “tools.” It’s about fundamentally transforming one’s life. It’s about moving from merely coping with life’s challenges to finding real emotional solutions and lasting change.

But here’s the kicker: therapy might mess your life up before it gets better. Why? Because you’ve constructed your life based on coping mechanisms and the coping mechanisms of others. When you start to unravel those layers and delve into deeper emotional solutions, it can disrupt your existing relationships and dynamics. You might realize that some relationships no longer serve you or align with your newfound growth. This can be an incredibly challenging aspect of the therapeutic journey.

However, despite the discomfort and upheaval it may bring, the question remains: is anything more worth it than finding relative peace of mind and a sense of authenticity in this world? Therapy isn’t about conforming to societal norms or maintaining comfortable illusions. It’s about confronting the truth, compassionately and safely facing our memories and emotions, and ultimately, finding freedom and authenticity in our lives so that we can truly relate mutually with others. In this way love and the ability to truly love are the ultimate goals of therapy.

So, while therapy is not a magical cure-all, it is a transformative journey—one that requires courage, commitment, and resilience. It’s about embracing the discomfort, navigating the challenges, and ultimately, emerging as a stronger, more authentic version of oneself. And in the end, that journey is worth every ounce of effort and investment it demands.