Why it's hard For some to not be judgmental

By: Aaron Mitchum

We notice emotions when they are too high or too low (just like we only notice the temperature in our body when it’s too cold or too hot). The feelings we notice are the ones with the most demand and the most opportunity for doing something about them. When we take action to meet the demands of the feeling it “solves” for it and the positive experience we feel is the relief of the emotion coming back to a level that is sustainable. We no longer feel bothered.

So what does this have to do with being judgmental? Judgmentalism is thought of as a defense (notice I’m not talking about sound judgement here, I’m talking about the way we scrutinize others). It’s an unconscious or automatic mechanism that keeps us unaware of our own emotions and their demands on us. Defenses are a grace that help us cope and deal with life (it’s really helpful to be able to compartmentalize, etc.). Of course defenses can become maladaptive as well. Which is why it is good to be regularly practicing awareness. Often the defenses we pick up and adopt are ones that are modeled for us. This might be why some folks gravitate to it more than others.

Being judgmental can relieve us of feeling our own needs and focuses problems as being outside of us (it might also seduce us into thinking that judging others will help us feel better about ourselves thereby attempting to relieve our emotional pain somewhat). When we are in pain from under met or over extended emotional needs and don’t have the time to deal with them, or we feel unequipped or alone to deal with them (perhaps they are feelings from the past) we automatically cope by trying not to be aware of them. Without relieving the underlying emotional need we require some kind of distraction. Judgementalism is that distraction for some.