Navigating Parenthood: A Practical Guide to Compassionate Communication
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5 tips for helping your kiddo when they blow up or shut down
For years I taught a seminar called “Good Enough Parenting”. Here are a few things I learned from it.
For years I taught a seminar called “Good Enough Parenting”. Here are a few things I learned from it.
check your own attitude and nervous system
Make sure your attitude is not “they are just trying to…” or “they are so ungrateful”. Basically make sure you’re not making it about yourself because if you do you will misunderstand your kids. What they are doing is different than what they are trying to communicate. They are trying to communicate they are overwhelmed by something. Their goal is not to hurt you or disrespect you, their goal is to get your help even if they struggle to accept it.
They need your nervous system to re-balance. You need to be in an emotional place where you can stay reasonably stable so they can be co-regulated by your steadiness. If you need to, take a break (with good communication about why you’re breaking in effort to decrease misunderstanding) before you engage or have someone else engage for you.
Ask yourself if they need to SEE: sleep, eat, exercise
Check the basics. Do they need food or sleep or to get some energy out? Is there something obvious that could be bothering them? No need to make things more complicated if they are simple.
Don’t stand, get to their height
The height difference between you standing and them may be enough to activate a threat response in them increasing an already stressful situation. Getting down to their level helps bring more calm to the situation.
Music & touch
You’re trying to help them rebalance which may really be helped by music or touch. Have a calming playlist made ahead of time (here’s one from Spotify already) you can stealthily put on when the blow up/shut down is simmering.
Ask before you touch. Showing them respect and not talking down by asking if it’s okay to give them a hug or to scratch their back or to pick them up, etc. Allowing them to be in control of their own space. But if you’re allowed, hugging, etc. can be so helpful for co-regulation.
If they’re open to it wrestling might really help to start to re-open them up.
Connect BEFORE you redirect
This comes from Dan Siegel’s work and is huge. Emotionally validate and understand (from their perspective) before you move to correct or change or put in some kind of limit. I can’t stress how important this is. One reason is to do this requires us as parents to slow down in the moment to make emotional space for them. That alone is valuable plus when our children feel understood you’re more than halfway to victory in terms of helping them cope. (BONUS TIP: it doesn't really matter if you or your kids are late. Letting go of the stress to be on time opens up the space needed to tend to what's needed.)