Taking Back Yourself From Narcissistic Leadership

Whether it’s toxic leadership in religious communities and churches, companies or politics more and more people are finding a voice to call out these ways and say they are not okay. To take back yourself from narcissistic leadership we have to start with understanding what does that term even mean. Really it is a description of trauma that was never helped and so created a pattern of coping that became habit which became personality.

Trauma specialist Peter Levine defines trauma in many ways but one of them is “incomplete self protective actions waiting to complete”. When we get overwhelmed and there is no one able to help us we freeze. Freeze is the highest level of activation (not fight or flight). In freeze we experience terror, helplessness, and we shut down to cope. This is natural however what is not natural is for this biological emergency break to stay on for long periods of time. Levine discovered that most animals in the wild do not get PTSD despite going through life threatening situations (like almost being eaten). This is because they allow their nervous systems to complete the fight, flight and freeze impulses their body initiates when threatened. As humans however we often don’t allow ourselves to complete fight, flight or freeze (due to a ton of different reasons). This means that the enormous amount of energy that is initiated in the fight, flight or freeze reaction becomes stuck in our bodies. We do all that we can to not re-engage that energy because it’s overwhelming. We don’t want to feel the fear, rage, helplessness, isolation, chaos, etc. of those states especially if we don’t understand why we are feeling that way. Problem is the incomplete past won’t stay in the past.

When we experience something that has similar enough feelings, events or pieces to our original painful experiences that we are still holding our brain does what it’s supposed to do. Which is to re-engage how we survived (coped) last time. Meaning, it says something like, “I know what this moment is because I’ve lived a moment similar to this before. It’s a threatening moment and I remember how I survived last time so I will re-activate all those ways to ensure survival again.” So the way we looked away, tightened our lips, clenched our jaws, the ways our muscles tighten in our legs, gut or chest, the way our bowels felt, the feelings we had, the meanings we made about the moment, all re-activate to attempt to adapt and keep us alive and keep the feelings and survival mechanisms from completing.

Part of that will be to dissociate from those bodily awarenesses. To do that we may use outside things to distract us (e.g. needing things to be super exciting or interesting or quick hits of novelty, needing things to be zen and not upsetting at all, needing things to not be about anything meaningful to keep it surface level and superficial) or we may use inside things (becoming hyper sexual, arrogance, becoming hyper rational, staying in go mode for longer than normal, thinking everyone else is at fault, thinking everything is our fault, needing to be around powerful or attractive people, getting depressed, getting anxious, etc.). Of course we often use outside and inside distractions simultaneously. Over time this creates a pattern of feeling/thinking/behaving that is automatic/unconscious and so frequent that it becomes a part of our personality.

So what happens when this is in the background of a leader, especially a founder? Often what happens first is the company gets set up so that it’s difficult for there to be accountability for the leader. This helps the leader continue to use the original ways they have coped (e.g. maybe they become manic and make a bunch of changes really quickly - emailing late into the night, maybe they become critical and bully-ish, maybe they say sexist things or really vulgar jokes, etc.). This could look like the HR department is non existent or is hampered in some way. Or perhaps a co-dependent culture is cultivated from the start so that everyone knows implicitly you don’t cross them or you get fired. Or there is little to no Diversity, Inclusion, Equity or Belonging initiatives.

It gets so complicated when money, security and livelihood feels on the line. We stop listening to our guts and our authenticity. We utilize our own distractions in order to calm our reactions to what doesn’t feel right in order to not feel anxious about losing our jobs or causing problems in an area that could affect our ability to earn and provide. Or in the case of religion we potentially fear disconnection from the Divine.

Really, the strongest thing we can do is become more conscious. The more conscious we are of our feelings and convictions the more we can make a conscious choice as opposed to an automated one that is based on a past survival strategy. We may choose to stay somewhere because it feels worth it to us and learn to adapt through having other support systems. We may choose to confront problematic people and systems. We may choose to leave. Or something else. It’s not about right and wrong, healthy or unhealthy. It’s about being able to stay in touch with your own built in value system that lets you know what feels life giving and what doesn’t.

So how do we become more conscious? Well the first steps are to get in touch with what the signals are that we don’t feel okay. Ask yourself:

When something is off/when I don’t feel safe/when I feel uncomfortable I:

Feel what?

My muscles, bowels and visceral do what?

Dream what?

Think what?

Say what?

Do what?

Don’t feel what?

My muscles, bowels and visceral don’t do what?

Don’t dream what?

Don’t think what?

Don’t say what?

Don’t do what?

Transference

Transference is when we treat the present like the past. Transference is an automatic, unconscious process. I’m psychotherapy this happens when our bodies start to experience the therapist as not safe enough to express what you really feel or think even though they have not given any objective reasons to not trust them and after a trusting relationship has been established. This is because something has occured that your system read as similar enough to a dangerous or painful experience in the past (may even be as far back as the first two years of your life) and determined the present is not safe and should be treated like you treated the moment in the past. This self protective conviction might be unconscious and only symbolized in how you act (as opposed to being symbolized in conscious thought). Some examples of what that could look like are: you might start being pleasing, lying, coming late, going late, not knowing what to talk about, avoiding your feelings and chit chatting more, getting upset, shutting down, feeling suddenly tired, getting a headache or having stomach pains, blaming the therapist for something, etc.

These actions could symbolize something vulnerable is being felt but for any number of reasons (perhaps you’re angry at the therapist but anger is not comfortable or safe to express for you, perhaps you felt misunderstood by the therapist and hurt but expressing hurt feels too vulnerable, perhaps because the therapist is a different gender than you and you have a history with someone of that gender not being supportive, perhaps because you saw the therapist look away and they seemed disinterested for a moment, perhaps the therapist was late themselves or made some kind of scheduling error, perhaps you found out something about the therapist like that they’re religious or have a family or are different in some way than you thought, etc.) your system has automatically decided they are not safe to express what you’re feeling.

Because this is such a relationship dependent process usually one to three times a week for an extended time (6 months up to several years) is best for this process to occur.

Now I realize that this all sounds very vulnerable and perhaps you might be thinking that this is way too intense (and expensive!). But think of it this way, you have one life and these things are going to happen with people in our lives either way, why not find out if they can happen with someone trained to help us with these things so real change can occur?

What is this psychoanalytic therapy thing?

See my previous post that describes what brings most people into therapy, “the problem”.

One of the ways we have for helping you create solutions that actually solve for your underlying emotional stress is through psychoanalytic therapy. In many ways this looks like regular therapy (attachment based, relational, emotion and neuroscience informed, etc.) but the main difference is being able to mine the therapy relationship. See, most therapies focus on what you experience with yourself and with others. This is helpful but often a step removed (since others are not in the room during therapy). Because the therapist is a human and you are in a human relationship with them (albeit a professional one) it is possible that you might start to experience some of your automatic solutions that don’t actually solve in reaction to the therapist. When that happens the therapist and you can recognize what’s happening (i.e. interrupt the automatic) and begin to understand how that came about (both of you can explore how you each contributed to the moment) and work to identify what is really being felt and needed. This is called working with transference. Doing this provides opportunity for your brain to rewire.

Mental Health Game Changer TOOL #1: Orienting

The Problem

Most people who come to therapy are stuck in anxiety or avoidance (intense enough avoidance is called depression). These are not choices they’ve made or flaws. Instead they are automated reactions that have been learned and are attempting to solve for an emotional they are feeling. Emotions tell us how we are doing in terms of surviving and thriving and what we need to do to adapt to the moment. Anxiety (a product of fear) alerts us to a perceived threat. But is the threat from the inside (other feelings you’re trying not to feel) or is it from the outside (something in your world that isn’t good for you: a toxic relationship, a negative situation, a demand that’s not sustainable or doable, etc.) or both (often an event triggers memories of a past event, even only slightly related, and we are flooded with the feelings of the past which cloud the present)? Wherever the problem is the current solution of over thinking and vigilance is not solving the problem (ie it’s not taking away the emotions). Instead the anxiety is only adding suffering on top of the emotions.

When that happens people naturally try to get away from the suffering of the extended anxiety with avoidance. They distract themselves. We use all kinds of things to do this. Some of them happen with a level of consciousness (although probably not with mindfulness) and some happen much more automatically: smoking, rage (or other emotions that mask the feelings being avoided), drinking, drugs, shopping, watching TV and movies, pornography, food, focusing more on others than ourselves, hobbies, sex, exercise, cleaning the house, playing on our phone, blaming others, becoming judgmental, getting paranoid (unconsciously putting the problem outside of us making others the threat so we don’t feel the emotions we have on the inside), becoming black and white in our thinking, causing a scene, becoming obsessive or compulsive, attributing our feelings to other people (saying they are the ones feeling this way instead of us), etc. These distractions help for a bit but don’t solve the emotional problem we have so when the distraction is over the anxiety returns (and sometimes if what we used to distract also caused problems or went against our personal morals we can feel ashamed or guilty on top of anxious which is already on top of the original emotional problem).

The Solution

What we do here at Analog is help you develop solutions that actually solve. We target your nervous system, memories and core emotions to create real change. A lot of therapies are too hot or too cold. Therapies that are too hot are all about the intesity and the cathartic experiences. This creates relief but actually creates an addiction cycle over time where the system learns it has to build up to a breaking point to release. It doesn’t learn how to release in a measured way that allows the nervous system to metabolize the stress. Additionally, too much too fast can re-overwhelm the nervous system causing shut down. So too hot can create three problems: you learn that the only way to have relief is the mountain top, you feel terrible all over again and you don’t create actual change.

The too cold are the therapies that just talk and think. They stay away from the heat of the visceral emotions. We know from neuroscience that without feeling something viscerally we can’t change how our brain is wired. And it really helps to feel something with someone else so they can help us co-regulate the feelings. Our brains need experience to cause neuroplasticity (the academic word for the fact that our brain can rewire) and emotion is what provides experience. So all talk will equal more knowledge and likely some emotion but little change to the automatic stuff.

We work on that Goldilocks solutions of not too hot or too cold. We help you build resource in your nervous system, the ability to feel calm and peace so that you can take on, slowly and little by little, the stress/pain/suffering/trauma you have. By going back and forth between resource and stress and by using a bunch of different ways of engaging those things (from both Somatic Experiencing and Psychoanalytic Therapy) we help you tackle the mountain you hold inside without major catharsis but with deep change and relief.

Game Changer Tool #1 : We start with attention in vs. attention out.

Step one is awareness. Can you notice how you are? Often we are so stuck in our routine of anxiety or avoidance we are unaware of the actual emotional problem that we are trying to solve (with a solution that doesn’t solve).

Step two is then moving from noticing the inside (attention in) to noticing your environment (attention out). This simple tool is a game changer. When you move from “attention in” to “attention out” you give your nervous system a break and a chance to reset. This is needed for being able to handle the stress inside eventually. This move of attention out comes from Somatic Experiencing and is called Orienting. You can orient by just slowly looking left to right or right to left, trying not to think but just taking in the visual of where you’re at. Notice colors, textures, lighting, images, shapes, etc. whatever catches your eye. Do this for a minute or two. If you start to feel negative because you’re environment is bothering you then stop and utilize touch instead. Notice a texture by feeling it and focusing on how it feels on your skin. By doing this you likely will feel more present and grounded but that is not what you’re trying to do - this is not about grounding. What you’re trying to do is move from attention in to attention out. This allows you to start to be able to have a hand you can put in the elevator to stop an automatic solution that doesn’t solve.

Somatic Experiencing: SIBAM

Somatic Experiencing is not as well known as some other therapies like EMDR or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or even Psychoanalysis but it is something that continues to amaze me with how versatile and effective it is. I want to tell you about just one piece of Somatic Experiencing, SIBAM.

SIBAM stands for Sensations, Images, Behavior, Affect and Meaning. These act as names for some of the basic channels of information we can draw on to understand life.

Sensations - these are the visceral experiences that you feel inside your body. You can feel them in your head, jaw, face, throat, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, chest, back, stomach, hips, legs, feet, etc. They can feel like tightness, looseness, whoosing, knots, vibrations, tingling, activation, energy, etc. They can have various temperatures associated with them (hot, cold) and can feel good, bad, neutral or some kind of combo.

Imagery - these are the images in the mind’s eye that can include what feels like random abstract imagery all the way to distinct memories being recalled.

Behavior - these can be movements, impulses for movements, impulses for other types of motion

Affect - feelings and emotions

Meaning - thinking and narrative making, creating understanding and meaning

What’s really helpful about Somatic Experiencing is that it helps people learn to tune into these various channels and shift between them in order to best help their nervous system and their body recover from the sufferings of life in a way that feels organic and right. We are over cultivated to use thinking to deal with life but learning to privilege our other information channels really expands our world and our potential for recovery and growth. Perhaps you want to take some time today and just see if you can notice each channel in you?

We want change and Don't want change at the same time

Many want to use left brained strategies and mechanisms to try to solve for right brained problems. We have issues with feelings, regulation, judgment, hate, stress, concentration, hopelessness, etc. and we want to be able to think about those feelings/body-based phenomenon without having to feel them. Though thinking is less vulnerable feeling than feeling emotions is it is also like trying to move a large pile of dirt with a teaspoon. It’s also kind of like trying to scratch the itch on your arm by blowing on it. By staying with left brain only strategies we reveal how we want change and we don't want change at the same time. Part of the issue is that we can feel like we don’t know how to feel our feelings and move through things towards change without becoming overwhelmed and shutting down or blowing up or feeling dysregulated, totally not ourselves, depressed or toxically ashamed, etc. That is not your fault!! We need more specific help in therapy for how to engage our right brain and body in ways that are sustainable for our nervous system. I have found that Somatic Experiencing is a real gem when it comes to providing some of these important steps with dignity. With it’s emphasis on expanding out from just talking to tracking and expressing sensations, images/memories, behavior and movement, affect and emotions and meaning (SIBAM), and doing so in a bit by bit kind of way that aids the nervous system in recovering and strengthening, Somatic Experiencing offers something incredibly simple and incredibly powerful!

Insight is not the end, it's the beginning.

Insight is not the end of the journey, it's the beginning. We have a current focus in our culture of defining ourselves. In our search for authenticity we can often allow ourselves to be labeled and then limited by the insights we discover. Whether it's the Strengths Finder, MBI, Enneagram, a book that's resonated, etc. the insights you discover about how you've been wired are invaluable! But don't mistake them for how you have to be. Don't get me wrong, understanding and acceptance of yourself as you are is hugely positive but not because it's the destination but because it starts the journey. Understanding and acceptance allows you to become present which is what is required to access yourself beyond what's been patterned inside. Some might say this is the beginning of true spirituality. So, even though the amount of change or growth possible is contextual and it might require some help/education you have the ability to grow, even starting today, all humans do.

Counter-Transference In The Work Place

In a previous article, I described transference in the work place. In this one I will describe the other side of the coin, counter-transference.

Counter-transferences are the reactions we have to the unconscious beliefs, emotions and desires being communicated implicitly through another person’s behavior. It can be empathy based or authenticity based. Meaning, you can experience the way the person is feeling in reaction to them (likely you feel more of their feelings and have a deeper sense of understanding and compassion for them) or you can feel how it feels to be treated the way they are treating you (you could feel great about about being idealized for example or really annoyed if you’re being treated like you don’t matter, etc.). Counter transference is unconscious (again without practiced awareness) and can be problematic if it causes you to engage in a drama of the past (e.g. perhaps you unwittingly take on the role of a parent with someone who needed more care than they got and so look to you for guidance. This might activate you're own unconscious adaptive strategies from childhood in which you pleased/entertained/cared for others as a way to experience emotional security. Re-engaging in such a drama replays how you had to be more responsible than your parents and causes you to struggle with your own personal boundaries around your time and effort - working longer and harder than you should. You once again might be stuffing anger and unwittingly be trying to please [i.e. control] the person who unconsciously is communicating unprocessed emotions of need by intensely needing your mentorship. These kind of enactments usually work for sometime until the authentic needs of the one being idealized clash with the unconscious needs of the one being mentored. Such ruptures are confusing because they can reveal upset emotions and even lashing out over reasonable boundaries.)

So, counter-transference is the emotional reactions we have to the unconscious and implicit expression of emotions and needs from another. Depending on the dynamics it can create re-enactments of insecure relating. Knowing how to identify and compassionately help transference/counter-transference can give your work culture a great advantage.

Transference In The Work Place

Transference is when a present moment is read by the brain as being the same as a moment in the past and then treated as if it was the past. Meaning, the ways we coped, the ways we felt, how acted and how we understood the moment are imported from the past. This happens all the time, it’s why we can automate so much of our lives. Most of our life is not lived in the present moment, it is lived in what McGilchrist calls re-presented. We are experiencing our own reconstruction of life that is based on what we’ve learned and predict from those memories and models. The type of transference I’m talking about however is more relational based. This type of transference is noticed when either it reveals unprocessed memories in which we were in some kind of survival mode or when it reveals memories of unmet developmental desires. With survival moments we see people treat the present as a threat at some level when it really isn’t. With developmental desire moments we see people treat the present as something to harvest when it’s more than just that. Both are unconscious processes (unless the work is done to be aware of such phenomenon) and not always easy to decipher.

For example, if a co-worker launches into taking up all the space in a meeting it might mean they are unconsciously in a survival based moment in which they are working to control the situation through avoiding silence and other’s reactions in order to avoid feeling abandoned. Such unconscious behavior would help them feel more safe. Or it could mean they have become excited about the possibility of feeling seen and validated which unconsciously leaves them trying to resume getting natural unmet developmental needs satisfied. Either way, it derails the meeting.

If this kind of transference is not understood and helped it becomes limiting to our professional and personal lives. It’s also why I suggest we stop calling companies families. It suggests something that isn’t true (companies are motivated by profit, families are motivated by relationship) and that can unnecessarily provoke transference.

Next I’ll talk about counter-transference in the work place...

The Danger of being out of touch with your emotions and how Being In Touch With Your Emotions is Not The Same Thing As Being Out of Control

Chronic stuffing or being unaware of your feelings is a big problem. If that is happening it is probably a case of biological needs in competition with personality needs. Meaning, your biological needs are to express your feelings while your personality is saying it’s not okay or safe to express. For example, let’s take an emotion that is very challenging in our culture for people to be encouraged to have (especially women due to the sexism), anger. Being unaware of your anger means you will potentially be unaware of a dangerous or unjust situation (or perhaps a situation that is not dangerous but that has tricked your brain into remembering an unjust situation in your past and importing that onto the present). You then could potentially: be taken advantaged-of, express an unnecessary aggressive response, increase avoidance, become passive aggressive, maybe even feel bad physically. So, being in touch with basic or primary emotion is important for adapting in life but the instincts of our emotions sometimes need to be re-tooled to fit our current situation. Which is why we have that great gift of our upstairs brains! Our basic instincts, reflexes, impulses and feelings need to be channeled through our values and goals. For example, just because you feel angry and the instinctual impulse for that is to attack doesn’t mean that you attack! It means you need to find a way to acknowledge and accept your emotion without judgment and learn from it about what the moment means to you so you can prepare to adapt. You might have to learn how to express it in alternative ways so that you can channel that anger into something empowering and not settle for stuffing.

This can be really difficult to realize if you have set your life up in light of stuffing your emotions because getting in touch with your emotions might really mess with your life. You might realize that you’ve been settling for unsatisfying relationships and people might be surprised or even offended by your new self awareness. Re-finding and re-being your self can cause big uncomfortable even painful changes when life has settles around you and taken advantage of you not being in touch with your feelings. Additionally, getting in touch with stuffed feelings might create a release of a lot of back log of emotions and survival based protocols needing to express and complete still. That can be overwhelming and even feel confusing. So it is no small thing to take on your feelings sometimes, it can be super messy, take real courage and sometimes needs the help of good therapy too.